Maybe Its the Winter Weather

I think the lack of sunshine and warm winter breezes has gotten the best of me. Lately I have been so stressed out and "crazy" that I can't even think straight or sit long enough to read a book for homework... It's snowed and its beautiful but its cold and quite frankly something I like for a couple of hours, not a couple of days. I've been thinking a lot about why I really feel so awkward really is the only word I can think of and I think it's because I've lost who I am a little bit. Some one told me I was bitter over people who were born with a spoon in their mouths and its not so much I'm bitter it just pains me to see that they don't appreciate the simple things in life and its hard for me to comprehend that. Sure, I would love to have all the money I need to pay my bills and buy fancy clothes, computers, cars, and cell phones... but I don't have those things and dont need them. What I need can't really be bought. I need self confidence, reassurance that I'm a good parent, more paitence, better time management... and other things that can't be bought. They must be learned, or earned, and they take time. I guess that is the point... things take time.

"Rome wasn't built in a day"

School

I started school this week and it is nothing like Arizona State. I know absolutely no one, it was freezing, and I drive 45 minutes away to spend the whole day (9:30-4:30) pretty much alone. I know that going back to school was going to be difficult, but I forgot how much easier it is when you have friends and sunshine. I think I mostly miss knowing the campus and the "ease" I had at ASU. The campus at Henderson isn't very large but it is definitely different than that that I was used to. Their maps were a little confusing to me as well, but I've figured out how to master the campus. I still haven't gotten a student ID and I got a parking ticket on the second day... which they canceled out once I bought a parking permit. It just took me a while to figure out exactly where the police "station" (really a small house) was. My easy going schedule of working and parenting has been bombarded by pages of reading, writing, and lectures. But, the one thing that I do look forward to is my Pilates class. I knew I was out of shape... but I didn't realize how bad I was out of shape until our first "dress out" day on Thursday. Holy Moley! It was tough, but a good tough. I was sore the next day and it was good. But, I think the thing that really gets to me with starting school is the fact that I have to do it away from my family. It reminds me of when I was in college before and how I didn't really try... which I am obviously doing this time. I just feel homesick today and miss the warm sunshine and my loving family.

The End is Near

Finals are knocking on my door... as in they are waiting for me to sit down in a quiet room and just answer the questions for hours on end. However, along with finals comes grades on assignments that have been sitting in the assignment box for over a month. I am a procrastinator by nature. I put everything off until the last minute, ALWAYS!! So, it is normal for me to turn in a paper late for an online class. In my psychology class this happened twice because once I was on vacation and did not bring my lap top (which was my fault). We couldnt get the computers to link up and it was a huge mess, but my teacher accepted it because I was on vacation and she was very understanding. My second paper was late because I procrastinated. Plain and simple. I finished it after it was due and then tried to upload it. If you use BlackBoard you know that in order to upload anything it has to open a new windown and then you search your computer and then you find your paper and upload it. Well.... the first time I tried to upload my paper Java crashed my computer! I was in tears because I knew she would not give me full credit on this assignment. I restared the computer and then uploaded my paper. With the paper I included a note to my teacher stating that I am a procrastinator, that I was sorry for my paper late, and that my computer had crashed. I never heard back from her regarding the assignment. This past week she allowed AMNESTY for all of our assignments, disscussions, and quizes me might have missed and would award us half credit. I WAS EXCITED!!! I knew this was my chance to make up this paper. I emailed her and asked if I needed to resubmit my paper and she said no. This morning when I checked my class, I found that she had graded my paper last night. To my astonishment this is what she had written to me:

Thanks for being so upfront, Jacqueline. I can understand the procrastination effect--I have battled procrastination--and the resulting panic mode that it produces--all my life as well!

Your article review paper is EXCELLENT. You are so thorough in your writing assignments, going above and beyond the expectations and scope of the assignment. Your paper is probably the BEST one that I have had turned in from a student in response to this article review assignment in several years! :-)

I agree that the research on the memory of rats was fascinating! It's incredible that researchers are able to extrapolate data from experiments like that in order to make breakthrough knowledge about human behavior and conditions.

Regardless of being just a tad late, it deserves a 100/100 .

~SK~

WHAT!!! Does that say that I get 100% on my paper? Why yes, yes it does!! I was so excited I almosted jupmed out of my chair. I have been so nervous about going back to school and that I was not prepared but this comment from my teacher makes me feel that I am capable of succeeding and that I can do it. I look forward to graduation... even if it is 2 years away still. :)

{Twenty Four}

*Little Blessings*

Wednesday was the day I found out my fate as a student at PTC. I went to register on Monday and it was just a day full of trouble! I stood in line for 30 minutes to find out that I didn't need to go to the school to register.. DUH! Then I waited another hour to meet with an "advisor." Who really just turned out to be some person who had NO idea what they were doing. I went to meed with an advisor to discus which credits would transfer from ASU (Arizona State) so I wouldn't have to take 2 years of school! Well, this guy had no idea what would transfer and just wanted to sign me up... I know how to sign up pal! He sent me over to another building where I could talk to someone who was an actual advisor. I waited a good 20 minutes to meet with her, she was the only lady in. Well, I walk into her office and it is just covered in STUFF!!! I guess she had just moved in, but seriously I couldn't even put my schedule on her desk because it was covered in just stuff. I cant/t even describe it. I was so flustered after all the troubles I had, but I had hope that she would be able to help me... well. I WAS WRONG! All she did was say ok show me these classes... I showed her. I told her what I was signed up for. She said it was good. Then we got to the big classes, my core classes that I was hoping would transfer from ASU (which is a real college). This is where it went bad... She said that she didn't know about these classes and that she would decided if they did after I looked up the course descriptions and scheduled another meeting with her. EXCUSE ME! WHAT!!!! Augh. I thought that was her job as an advisor!! Well, I left. Upset to say the least. This is also the day that I was told "Well, you wont be granted your financial aide so you should just enroll in the payment plan online." SAY WHA!!!! I'm sorry, but if it wasn't for financial aide I wouldn't be going to school. Apparently, you are supposed to return some letter they send to you in the mail to accept your financial aide... I have always done this online for the simple fact thats what I did at my previous more put together school. So I faxed in my letter on Monday hoping that they would approve my funds that have been sitting in their bank accounts since May. Thankfully, on Wednesday when I checked my schedule to see if I had been dropped from my classes due to lack of funds I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was still enrolled and that I had in fact been given my grant. HOLLA! I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to go to school, even though we are poor and really shouldn't be able to afford it. Thanks Government funding! :)

{Sweet Sixteen}

Just when I thought that today would be a day of no gratitude my hubby turned it around.:) Lately we have been facing a lot of stress with traveling, school, two crazy fast crawling babies who are teething, working, and Kev's new calling (as Deacon's Advisor)! Geeze Louise! This has been extremely annoying to our wonderful relationship and to be quite honest, we have barely had time to hang out and just talk. You might say, but Jacque... you guys work together! Yes, yes we do. However, we have a rule called no talking about work after work. It makes our lives easier to deal with because working with family is a very tender and stressful situation. Anyways, today was the MOST PAINFUL DAY EVER!!! I decided to just not even speak about anything for the fact that I was sure that some little thing would be the straw to break my camels back. But, after many hours of me listening to my headphones while working on homework, we talked. We talked about everything that was bothering us, how to improve it, and now it is better. Its amazing what just taking the time to sit and talk things out can do. I am so thankful that I have a husband who is less stubborn than I am.

On a side note: I got a 96.9% in my speech class!!! My first A of going back to school. I should have my psychology grade tomorrow or thursday. :)

{Day Nine}

Tylenol & Coke Zero! These two simple things that anyone can purchase at a store were my saving grace yesterday. (Along with my wonderful husband Kevin) But seriously, I think I may have anxiety issues. Ever since Kevin left last Tuesday for Denver I had a super difficult time adjusting to being with out his help. It was hard to entertain babies, do homework, and pack for a 4 day adventure to aunt Kim & uncle Andy's house. I never realized how much it helps just having Kevin home at night. To add to the stress I was under from leaving my babies for a couple days for the first time, the amount of homework I have piled up (I'm a bit of a procrastinator), and the impending sale I was facing... I was freaking out on the inside not to say the least. I had a little bit of a headache over the time we were in Denver but I pushed it aside because I had work to do. But, along came Sunday and the big momma of migraines hit me! I don't think it helps that I woke up at 4am, jumped on a plane at 7am, drove for 3 hours from Kansas City to Springfield, talked it up for about 2 hours, then drove 4.5 hours home to Grandma's house, followed by a 30 minute drive to our house. So after unpacking as much of the car as possible and dealing with my children screaming for my attention, I attempted to go to bed. It didn't happen, I had a rough time falling asleep and an even worse time trying to get good rest. Thankfully though, by morning the pressure was less severe and I could at least watch the babies while I attempted to rest. They were amazingly good and played back in forth between their room and our kitchen/living room. I think I even got a nap in sometime during that day... anyways. Long story short... I've had a migraine/headache since Sunday! Last night I took some Tylenol, drank a Coke Zero, and told Kevin "I'm going to rest." Just that hour of me laying on the couch with a blanket and fan on me rejuvenated my poor little head and I felt motivated to get some homework done! YAY!

...blah...blah....blah...

Lately I have been overwhelmed with so many things going on in my life. I have two babies that are crawling everywhere, getting into everything, and want my attention at all times. I have a husband who has needs, such as a clean house, dinner every night, and my attention as well. I have a job which continues to grow each day. I have so many responsibilities each day that I don't even have enough time some days to get my work done. I have school, for some reason I decided to take on two classes instead of one. While they are online, the amount of work that they demand of me is a lot and most of the time I come home from work and simply sit at the computer all night. In doing so, I leave my husband and my children to fend for themselves. While, yes Kevin is a wonderful father and I know he enjoys the time he gets to spend with them, I want to spend time with my family too. There are so many things going on in my life that I don't even know what to do some days. I just sit in a glazed over trance... Some days I don't even know what I am doing or what day of the week it is. Now, while being busy is a good thing... I don't think it is for me. I am too busy to enjoy what I think is the most important to me, my family. I know that I do get to spend quality time with them, it just not enough some days. It makes me sad when the babies go to bed and I didn't get to tuck them in. I know that I cannot make the days have more hours, and I'm sure if they did I still wouldn't have enough time with them anyways. It just brings on feelings of guilt I guess... actually I don't think its that. I just have these weird feelings like something is missing, I should be doing something different, just something... I don't know what it is though. I know that I am doing my best to spend time with my family and take care of my school work and to do a good job at my work... Are these feelings normal? Does anyone else experience this... or is there something wrong with me?

A Little Funky

I cannot believe it has been almost a month since my last post but there is good reasoning. For one, I have been in a bit of a funk. Our lives have become even more hectic and Kevin and I had some really tough decisions to make. Thankfully everything worked out and we are doing better now, but I have just been so unmotivated to do anything. I feel like I have been such a terrible wife and mother for my family. However, TODAY IS THE DAY that all of the craziness stops! My list of things to accomplish today are as follows:

- Laundry
- Vacuum(Kevin did this for me)
- Clean Dishes/Kitchen
- Make curtains for my bathrooms

It is quite a list, but many of these items have been rejected for such a long time I don't even know how my husband put up with me. In his defense, I must say my husband probably understands me more than I understand myself. He knows when I need my alone time, when I'm in a funk, when something is terribly wrong, and when I'm simply stressed out. He also knows how to fix every single one of these problems. My husband is AMAZING and simply the best. I could not have asked for a better partner. In addition to getting things accomplished today... we also have the internet at our house! After over a year of putting it off we have given in to how much we felt we needed it. Which in turn means... MORE BLOGGING! I know you are all so excited. Well, at least I am. So stay tuned for my progress on getting out of my "funk."